Been almost a year since I logged onto this site.  Almost entire forgot I had an account here.  To the few friends left on this site, I wish you've had a wonderful year.  Coming back once in a while gives me that nostalgic feelings that's equivalent to walking through the the same elementary school hallways you once scribbled on as third graders. 
     This wall here, is the precursor to what is now facebook.  Only difference the security here is bar to none.  I doubt anyone will care enough to read this, let alone hack this site.  This is where I can write anything and have confidence no one will ever read it.  But if you happen to read it, I'm sorry, since you won't find much interesting here.  Just a collection of thoughts from a mysterious stranger you'll never meet. 

It's been a long time since I've written anything here, and wow a lot has changed.  This website was a way for someone and me to connect and share our ideas and stories with at one time, and now it's nostalgic to read some old posts and see how I've changed.  Certainly the way I look have changed a lot, but somehow I don't feel so different.  Still the same kid I used to be, still play the same video game (starcraft), still always attempting to learn a new hobby every other month, and still smiling and laughing at everything.  However, I'm much more optimistic nowadays than I was before.  With family and school keeping me busy, it's hard to have time to look back.  Everyday is a new day, a new opportunity to get shit done, and I feel alive each and everyday that I wake up.  What do I want to do with my life?  Had that question been asked 2 years ago, I wouldn't know how to answer it, but today I still don't know how to answer it.  So what's changed really?  Well, today I wouldn't know how to explain it to you, since I've found so much ambition and motivation to achieve much more than merely getting a "life".  Curing cancer, writing a book, finishing my songs, revolutionizing the word "fashion", creating my own logo/company, have my work published in an art gallery, teach chess to as many little kids as I can, and become a multimillionaire are some of the things I will accomplish.  Are they wishful thinkig?  At first yes.  But today, no.  Sometimes I ask myself just exactly how do I plan to achieve all of that?  And luckily I'm able to answer my own question, and I tell myself..."Khai, accept that you are smart and talented, accept that you are not meant to be a fuckin nurse, and get the fuck out there and make a goddamn difference!"  The best part is, I can't wait to get started.  

Spring break is here, and I haven't done much yet.  Azther and I are planning to go fishing on Monday, so that'll be something for me to look forward to.  As of today I have plans to finish some songs, since I just got my piano professionally tuned.  I had promised myself that I'll be playing piano more seriously and finish all the songs I start and not just leave it hanging in the middle anymore. 
     Unfortunately it has been raining all weekend, and it will continue to rain for some days now.  I used to love the rain, as it has some sort of calming effect on me.  I remember as a kid I used to sit in front of the large glass door leading to the backyard of my old house every time it rains.  I used to love the sound of the raindrops clicking against the roof and sidings.  But that was before, now, I feel quite miserable when it rains.  Hopefully the sun will rise on Tuesday, since the backyard has been pretty neglected all year round.  My fish pond (which I spent 2 years building) is alive and well when I restarted the filtration pumps, and that's good news for me.  Since I wasn't sure if the fish were going to survive the harsh winter we had this year. 
    

You never get to appreciate certain people.  A month ago I ran up to her in the cafeteria to say hi and ended up sitting there with her group of friends.  She hasn't responded to my calls or texts, and it was understandable, since she probably thinks I'm not over her and is trying to sweet talk her.  As I sat there and listened to them talk, I occasionally tried to say a few comments, but I know damn well I'm not part of their conversation.  In the midst of a conversation she took out her phone and texted a guy friend.  This bothered me very much, since I desperately need to talk to her.  But I understand why she doesn't text me.  She's trying to push me away as far as she can, to prevent me from getting hurt in the future, because she knew that we were just too different to ever be together.  I understand. . .but my impulse took over and without thinking much I confronted her why she didn't text me back.  I regretted those words immediately as they left my stuttering lips.  But the damage was done, she must've felt like I was an angry ex trying to shove his way back into her life and is confronting her at this moment.  One mistake led to another, and I soon found myself running after her as she was leaving the cafeteria desperately trying to get away from me.  I had a second chance...to turn around and walk the other way and not ruin her day.  But instead, I persisted and barged between her and her friends and demanded to know why she's ignoring me, despite already knowing. 
          Her last words before she left was, "Khai you deserve someone who treats you better."  I know she's right, and I know I'm being stupid for trying to talk to her over and over again.  And I wish I had someone who treats me better.  At this point I stood there watching her climb onto her mom's SUV and slamming the door without a second glance.  Her mom politely waved at me, knowing I had upset her daughter once again.  I know she would soon vent to her mom about how I tried to talk to her earlier, how I confronted her, how I upset her, and how I embarrassed her in front of her friends.  The following day she will probably talk to her friends, telling them about her crazy ex who tried to barge into her circle of friends, yet again, and they would all get a good laugh at me.  I'm standing there imagining all the possible ways for her to let out her anger and frustration, all the people she has to express her distaste to.  Eventually I walked to my car holding back the tears, because my mom just passed away, and I couldn't see her before she died.  If only she knew how much I needed someone to talk to. 

It's been such a long year and I don't even know where to begin.  This year has been a roller coaster for me with school and family.  My relationship with my family has been distant due to conflicts that we just can't seem to resolve.  My uncle's hatred for my mom contradicts with what he wants me to do.  He would tell me that I should love and respect everyone, especially my parents, since it's good karma, and that will in turn influence my future children to love and respect me.  Yet he continues to bash my mom telling me that she's a whore who ditches her family.  It angers me to a point where I can't take it anymore.  So one night, when he comes home from work exhausted and in need of someone to blame his frustration on, he indirectly chose me by talking about my mom.  I couldn't take much more of it, so I yelled back.  I forgot that yelling isn't the best remedy for an angry person, and with that he returned with a direct attack for me.  Things get heated, and I ended up with a bleeding ear, but that was the past.  It's all done with, and I'm not going to let it bother me much longer, I just want to write it down so I won't forget this year, as it's gone by so fast. 
     My school work has been an improvement, now that I'm aware of my critical condition.  I'm Squall running through the plains of Esthar, with 1hp, 1 potion, both team mates dead, and no tent.  So if I don't make it across to the nearest town, I'm fucked.  You know you're a dork when you're giving your life story in an analogy with reference to a video game from 1998.  Well, after realizing that, I decided to get my ass in gear and focused on school and less on family or dating. 
     Speaking of dating, my last girlfriend turned out to be a complete dumbass.  I realized that I have no tolerance for a dumb bitch.  It's a bit harsh and cruel the way I'm wording it, but I'm not going to beat around the bush with this one.  For me, intelligence is important, and I'm not going to settle for a girl who's going to go "mhmm" with everything I say and have absolutely nothing to contribute.  A whole 3 months we lasted, but ultimately ended in tears and regret, and by regret I mean me regretting I stayed so long. 
     I guess this is the end of 2009 for me, I hope 2010 will be more exciting.